apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
