I wish I could teleport
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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