apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
