So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
