The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize