So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she pinky promised me she was 18
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
