Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
