I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
