My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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