Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize