i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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