Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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