All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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