Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
