A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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