Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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