M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
