Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
