Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
