I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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