I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
