I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
