I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
