you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
