Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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