Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
