So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
