sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
false alarm, still single
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