so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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