i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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