Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
