all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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