a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
