i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
