The police scanner is talking about you again....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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