My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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