I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
