I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
