Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
