What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
