If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she told me i tasted like america
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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