textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
