And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
