Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
