Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
