Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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