turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
