Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize