aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
