you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize