census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
