On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize