so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
