oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
