last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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