I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
