Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
