So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
