I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
May the power of my ass compel you!!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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