i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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